When Your Brand is Hate.

Posted on by

My answer is, “Piss Off.”

Abercrombie and Fitch hates me. They always hated me, even when I got thin some years back and looked better in my double-digit-but-not-fat-kid clothes than most chicks do in a size six. Why? Because I wore an extra large sized shirt and Abercrombie only carries small, medium, and large.

Now, at my thinnest, I wore said extra large shirt for two reasons:

- broad back
- huge tatas

No real belly to speak of, nor was I bursting at the seams. But, according to Lurch (AKA Mike Jeffries), that broad back and those huge boobies made me UNCOOL. I wasn’t petite so I didn’t fit into the American standard of beauty. It doesn’t matter that I was* smoking hot and many bipedal creatures hit on me daily. Because I didn’t fit into a dainty, dew-faced stereotype, he didn’t want me in his duds.

Why? Because he wants to capitalize on the American divide in high schools between COOL and UNCOOL and the first way to do that is sort by size. Never mind that the divide’s responsible for a lot of problems facing teens: bullying, low self-esteem, eating disorders, hazing. Shit, perpetuating the mentality of In is a money maker! Pure profit, yo. Who wants to bother loving thy neighbor when you can say, “Screw your neighbor because they’re fat, ugly, and poorer than you.” Thems some good American values!

Let’s up the ante on the offensiveness, yeah? While A&F only carries S – L for the girls, they DO carry XL and XXL for the boys, because the boys might be athletes. Or, you know, funny. Because the funny guy can be popular and fat and that’s perfectly fine, but the moment a girl is into that size 10/12, FUCK HER. She’s out. Not cool, don’t you dare put on their brand. You could be the funniest fat chick this side of the cosmos and Abercrombie wants nothing to do with you.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Did I mention they burn their excess clothes because they don’t want the homeless in their brand? Yeah. They do that. Remainder clothes are destroyed so it doesn’t get in the hands of anyone, you know, dirty. Then there was that whole blatantly racist thing against Asians some years back, too, because they want to make sure they alienate everyone. Oh! And thanks, Lewis, for reminding me about the sexying up children thing they’ve been accused of multiple times.

So basically what I’m seeing here is, like, two out of fifteen people are allowed to wear their shit. White skinny people. They only want pretty white skinny people, though, so while you might be skinny enough, if you’re ugly they frown on you wearing their shirts. Their pretty salespeople might attack you when you walk in the door. IF you can walk in the door, that is – the goddamn store reeks like a French whorehouse. Too much cologne and you can smell it down the hall.

Anyway, as a human who doesn’t like shitty companies with shitty policies, the next time someone asks for gift certificates there or a pair of jeans or wants you to support this Douche-Making corporation, I’ma ask you to JUST SAY NO. Best way to tell a company they’re a problem is to get them where it counts. Which, in this case, is in the pocketbook. Screw haters right in the face.

(*I said was. I am still aware of my appeal even at my slightly orbital size. But it was an example, so don’t get in ma grill, yo. <3)

All Things Disney World. Part One. FOOD.

Posted on by

Good morning, Internet! Perhaps you know me as your local shambling monster. Perhaps it’s, “Oh, hey, that creepy chick is looking in our windows again” or “Oh. It’s her. Get the RAID.” Either way, I’m here to drop some knowledge in a way that’d make Mr. T proud.

(And for those of you embryos out there who don’t know who Mr. T is, first I pity you, fools, and offer this sliver of my childhood for you to mock. And really, it’s deserving of the mockery. Why did anyone ever think dressing that way was cool? WHY?)

Onto the meat of the post. I go to Disney far more than most people I know. Probably ten times in so many years? Maybe a dozen in fifteen, I don’t know. There’s a bit of a stigma with this, I know, in that people who’ve never been assume it’s a bunch of dancing rats and cartoons, but there’s a lot more to do there than surround yourself in the kiddie fun. I wouldn’t keep going if that was its only calling as children terrify me. They’re small and brilliant and steal your food. They also wear sneakers that light-up when they walk. Untrustworthy, all of them.

Anyway, as there are many parts to a Disney Orlando vacation, I’m going to only discuss a single facet today – otherwise you’d never leave and that’d be awkward. This is my blog, people. Get the hell of my lawn.

SO! FOOD!

Everyone likes food. Food is delicious and should be enjoyed three times a day. It helps you live and stuff. So I’ll talk here about Disney fooding I’ve enjoyed (or would like to enjoy in some cases) for all of you looking to head to King Rodent’s Mecca of Fun. Other posts will cover attractions and hotels and stuff, but not this one. This one is all about making your inner fat kid squeal with delight.

First and foremost, I highly recommend making reservations online in advance for these places as this is the busiest tourist destination in the world, and generally, if you’re going to Disney, you’re not getting a table for one. Bigger parties are harder to seat. Also, if you let fate decide where you eat, you will be stuck in the restaurants no one else wanted. No, that’s not a TERRIBLE thing because Disney is still awesome and even their bad is better than most other places’ good, but if you’re gonna go, why not go to the awesomest of the awesome? Eh? Eh?

(Also: Disney is LOADED with quick eats places – hot dogs, burgers, etc — if you’re not looking to drop a lot of cash on your dining. I’m not really touching on them because they all serve relatively similar drive-through style food. I’m going for sit-down restaurants only. Kay? Kay.)

Without further ado, LET’S DO THIS!

THE PRE-PAID EATS:

Certain Disney places require you to pay for the dining experience up front – as in when you go to make a reservation, your credit card will be charged on the spot. It ensures you don’t flake out because there are tons of people that’d like to take your place if you don’t show and if you’ve dropped 60 bucks a head already, you’re less likely to be a no-showing tool.

Cinderella’s Royal Table

You eat inside of Cinderella’s Castle and meet all the princesses. Personally, not my bag – I don’t really care much for character meetings because I’m a quasi-functioning adult WHO IS TOTALLY MATURE ALL THE TIME. However, youz guyz with sproglings will rarely find all the Disney princesses together elsewhere, so take advantage if you have little princess wanna-bes. They do breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

The Luau at the Polynesian Resort

I’ve never been before, though the trip I’m going on next week, I am fixing that! I’ve heard from numerous people this is a fantastic time. Fire throwing and chicks in coconut bras and pork and fruity drinks and, and, and NNNNNNF. Something worth noting is the Polynesian is closest to the Magic Kingdom, so if you’re on the Disney bus line and looking to get there, take the bus to MK then find the Polynesian stop.

The Hoop-Dee-Doo Musical Revue

This show takes place at Disney’s Fort Wilderness resort. And really, there’s nothing I can say about it that this YouTube video doesn’t cover. The internet cheats sometimes, I swear.

MAGIC KINGDOM EATS:

Be Our Guest Restaurant

The only regret I have about my latest Disney adventure is I can’t check out their new hotness, the Beauty and the Beast themed ballroom restaurant Be Our Guest. It looks amazing, the ordering process looks like a lot of fun, and even with my absolutely insane early booking, OTHER PEOPLE WERE FASTER. For those of you looking to go to Disney and who are doing your proper early research, best of luck and I hate you a little. (Also, I can totally console myself with Gaston’s Tavern, a quick-eats place that’s also new and serves GIGANTIC PIECES OF PORK.)

Liberty Tree Tavern

I have a soft spot for this place. The food is super home-style Americana but that means wholesome and delicious and WHO DOESN’T LOVE APPLE CRISP? This place is centrally located in Liberty Square and it does have characters that wander the restaurant, all of them dressed like pilgrims and frontier people. Donald Duck in a feather and a loincloth – WOO! It’s one of the easier places to get into with characters, actually, so that’s good for you breeder types. The rest of us can just longingly stare at Mickey while we shovel mashed potatoes into our maws.

HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS EATS:

Hollywood and Vine

Hollywood and Vine is pretty much standard buffet-style food. However, it’s got something going for it other places doesn’t and that’s pre-seating for Hollywood Studios’ water and light show, Fantasmic. There’s really nothing fancy going on here, but the preferred seating really does make it worthwhile to stop by. Also, the only other restaurant to offer this is The Brown Derby and I’ll be honest, when Dave and I ate there we weren’t impressed. The food was not worth the Derby’s price tag. So H&V it is. It’s decent enough and will get you into the Fantasmic sweet seats.

Sci-Fi Dine-in Theater

You eat in cars. Staring at a drive-in screen. Seriously, I don’t need to say anything else.

scifi

50′s Prime Time Cafe

You remember those shows like Leave it to Beaver? Where June’s walking around this ultra-glammed 50′s kitchen serving egg salad? That’s what you get here. Each room is another 50′s kitchen, the vignettes all decorated to give it that old timey ambiance. The food’s good, your standard fried chicken and meatloaf kinda thing, and the serving staff are . . . well. They’re Mom and Dad. From the 50′s. If you don’t eat your vegetables, they will give you shit for it (and quite possibly pick up your fork and attempt to feed you.)

ANIMAL KINGDOM EATS:

The Rainforest Cafe

I’ve eaten elsewhere in Animal Kingdom and I always come back to the Rainforest Cafe not because the food will blow you away, but because you can’t beat the experience of having all the lights go out, fake rain starting, and a stampede of elephants trumpeting your way. You don’t notice how many animatronic animals there are inside the walls and over your head until one of these “storms” happens and the restaurant around you comes alive. It’s colorful, it’s bright, and like many of the Disney restaurants, a show along with your dinner.

DOWNTOWN DISNEY EATS:

Downtown Disney is basically the nighttime hangout spot if you’re sick of the hoopla of the parks or your hotel pool. (This rarely happens with me, but I still enjoy Downtown Disney all the same.) The whole place is restaurants and shops, so there’s a lot of things to do and see. I’m not going to make a list here just because it’s preeeetty much a lot of generic stuff? Planet Hollywood, House of Blues. There’s a Rainforest Cafe located here (second location), a Wolfgang Puck’s. Fulton’s Crabhouse is good if you like seafood, though it’s expensive. Bongos is a bit of a weird call for me because, while the first and second times I ate there it was a delight, the last time it was horrid. Like, the food was simply terrible. I’m not sure I’d return there because of it.

EPCOT EATS:

So, here’s the big one. Epcot. Mostly thanks to the World Showcase having a restaurant in every country and a lot of them being REALLY, REALLY GOOD. I’ve eaten at most of them, and here’s where I’d send you:

The Biegarten Restaurant

So if you like polka, this is the place to be! Well, polka and long tables that seat you with strangers, which I don’t love, but it’s all in the flavor of the country. You can get really good stuff here at a reasonable price, including BEER and SCHNITZEL and SAUSAGE and LEDERHOSEN. But don’t eat the lederhosen. Not so delicious. I recall the strudel being scrumptious, too, but if you’re gonna do dessert in Epcot, you go to . . .

Les Halles Boulangerie & Patisserie

France! You just . . . go here. It’s a french pastry shop and you will walk inside, take a whiff, and want to roll in the deliciousness they have behind their counters. Every trip, I make a stop and get a sampling of sweets and every year I purr like a fat li’l kitty cat afterward. It is SO worth your time.

San Angel Inn Restaurant

Like Mexican? Go eat in Mexico! The coolest part about this place is it’s a faux-Aztec temple, so the look of it is amazing. The food’s solid, though pricey, but the fare is really good if you’re into that whole burrito thing. Which, you know, I am. Lots of traditional dishes (all of the chefs in the showcase hail from the represented countries) so you get a chance to try some stuff you might not get at home.

Also Because Sombreros Happen.

Also Because Sombreros Happen.

Teppan Edo

Japan, oh Japan. There’s a quick eats place in Japan I’d actually avoid – I tried it last time we were there and was largely unimpressed – but the traditional Japanese steakhouse? YES, PLEASE. Dinner and a show! The chefs come to your table and prepare your meal right in front of you. Like most of the Epcot restaurants, this is on the pricier side, but well worth it. Also note that this place is ALWAYS booked fast. If you want this experience, reserve early.

Tutto Italia Ristorante

Italy. No brainer, really. Last time I went to Disney with the crew, we couldn’t get into Teppan Edo so we ended up here sort of by accident. And yeah, I guess you can get Italian food any old place at home, but I can guarantee it doesn’t taste like this. By the time the five of us were done eating, we had to be rolled out the door. Delicious. Expensive! But well worth the cost. (Tip: a lot of the countries in Epcot are on the Disney meal plan? So the cost might not matter so much if you went for the inclusive meal package. You’d get a ton of value out of that package if you could swing by Epcot for dinner every night, I swear.) Also, Italy has wine. So much wine.

Blog A-Go-Go.

Posted on by

So, like hi. Let me get in here, dust this off, move a few pieces of furniture around.

Housekeeping.

My poor, neglected blog. I didn’t walk away because I didn’t love you, baby. You gotta believe it’s me, not you. No, really, I was finishing A CURSE IN CLAY and it’s a whopper at 117k words. Fantasy, so I get a pass on length, but still – that’s pretty long when my typical books are more in the YA range of 70 to 80k!

It’s been an arduous journey with this book — almost nine months? — and though I’d love to say CLAY is poignant and deep, it’s a cowboy book with dick jokes, a transvestite sidekick, fairies, and witches. I think it’s a GOOD book with dick jokes, a transvestite sidekick, fairies, and witches, but the jury is still out. When I hear back from those who shred my work for fun and profit, I’ll have a better idea if I succeeded or failed horribly.

Lemme do that writer roundup thing I tend to do after every manuscript is finished!

The Good: The cast. The characters carry the book. They’re distinct people with distinct voices and problems and I think I captured them well. I like the way I did the timeline (current chapters alternating with snippets from the main character’s past). I like the third person limited even if it’s a bitch to write at times. I think it’s legitimately funny. Also, I nailed the epilogue.

The “I Worries”: I am HOPING Cora’s as fleshed out as she needs to be. I think so? But really, in comparison to the rest of the cast she’s actually a little more normal so we’ll see if that translates as “boring.” The witches are fun, but I want them to be appropriate bad guys. Also, this is cowboy fantasy but I worry that the romance angle and a few other tidbits might give it genre confusion.

I like to think with every book I write, I hone a skill. In this one, I think I worked on voice and characterization. My next book I’ll be working on mood and nuance, but this one was definitely all about the narrative and the cast playing inside said narrative. And writing third person limited? It’s trickier than it looks. If you get a voice down (and basically in this book I was going for something like Mal from Firefly) and then, you know, screw it up? It sticks out. Like a sore thumb Consistency is a must and it’s difficult when you have as many words as I do.

But, it’s over. Once I hear what the pack of hyenas has to say, I will update as to the success or failure of this latest literary adventure.

For now? ONWARD. And then DISNEY.

*****

Cora had a thing for pillows. She couldn’t have one for each side of her bed, she had to have forty, and every night before he fell asleep, Clay tossed a heaping pile of feather bags onto the floor so he wouldn’t suffocate in their fluffy depths. Frederick was all right with it, always climbing the mountain and sprawling across the top, but it made getting up in the mornings a little more difficult. Clay had to navigate around a mini-disaster just to don his drawers.

“Pillows are stupid,” he announced to no one and everyone, his fingers fiddling with the buttons of his pants.

“No, you’re stupid,” came Cora’s sleepy reply.

Busy Part Deux.

Posted on by

Or more like Twenty-Deux.

Yes, the blog is quiet again. I’m finishing Clay very soon (no, for real this time – I have two chapters left. You beta readers are forewarned). I had to take a minor break on it because I was editing THE AWESOME, which is such a fun project. I spend my entire time laughing while I’m writing, and because of it, it comes really fast. It’s one of those books that falls from the fingers. I get to flex some comedy muscles in the story, and while the plot isn’t what I’d call super revolutionary, I’m really proud of the narrative voice and the characters. Also, it’s deeper than it looks on the surface. I play with gender roles, burgeoning female sexuality, and societal slut shaming. Of course, I address them in my own weird way, but they’re there.

There’s also boy kissing. Gross, huh?

A lot has happened since my last blog post, and I suppose I could go back and give my take on the Boston bombings and all that transpired in my dear old state, but instead I think I’ll bullet a few things that amuse me and/or have made my brain twitch. The news has been depressing lately. I don’t want to contribute to depressing.

Without further ado:

  • I went to see Great Big Sea last week at the Wilbur Theater in Boston. A great show at a great venue. The seats are actually comfortable at the Wilbur (ARE YOU LISTENING, ORPHEUM?) and every ticket assures you a perfect, close view of the stage. I’d strongly recommend any Boston native or visitor to consider the Wilbur in your next pass through town. Also, for anyone who doesn’t know GBS, might I recommend some of THIS or THIS to get you acclimated? They’re Irish pubby kinda stuff, but they also do some killer pop music and ballads.

  • I’m hoping y’all heard about the deranged sorority girl email. Basicially, some chick named Rebecca Martinson went uber psycho bitch on her sorority mates in a brilliant display of profanity and bullying. And by brilliant, I do mean that this young lady is probably not fit for society any time soon. Her Twitter feed indicated she was a racist, hated fats and gays, and that she liked to be the meat in boy sandwiches (which hey, all the power to you if you like getting spit-roasted, but that might not be something you want on your Twitter feed, chick. YOUR PARENTS MIGHT SEE THAT.) Anyway, in the wake of her tantrum, a couple of things happened. One, she had to tender her resignation to Gamma Whamma Ding Dong. Two, she was immortalized brilliantly on Funny or Die.

  • I’m on Goodreads. Holy crap! Check it out!

  • I read a wonderful book y’all should scoop. CODE NAME VERITY (incidentally put out by the same publisher as UNLEASHED!) It’s a heart-stabbing story about two WW2 era girls: an English female pilot and her best friend, a code-writer who’s captured by the Nazis. This is not the most cheerful book on the planet, but it’s enthralling and beautifully written. Thank you, Lauren, for another solid recommendation!

  • My new favorite show: Archer. It’s on Netflix. Dear God, if you haven’t seen it, watch it. It is hysterical. SPLOOSH.

  • Internet cats. Because LOL.

    • Are You SERIOUS?

    Posted on by

    Yeah, that’s what to say about a city in the midst of a terrorism situation.

    I don’t dip my toes in the politics pool for a number of reasons, but I think this goes beyond party lines.

    Fuck you, Dude.

    Yep. Those Are Tears of Funny.

    Posted on by

    From time to time (often), I read Cracked because, from time to time (often), Cracked is super entertaining. Daniel O’Brien is particularly funny. Today, he put up an article about internet things that are randomly hysterical. The first three were pretty great, but his number one nearly killed me. Basically, NASA keeps logs of everything said in space. On the Apollo 10 mission, this happened:

    lol1

    lol2

    lol3

    Tears. Tears on my face laughing. So stupid and juvenile and yet so goddamned funny.

    If you wanna see the rest of the article, please go check out Dan’s article here. If you want the tumblr dedicated to the space transcripts, check that out here.

    Childless Does Not Mean Lesser.

    Posted on by

    I’ve categorized this under Rants, but the truth is, this is a plea because Dear Sky Poobah, Enough Already

    Yesterday I was reading articles about autism awareness – the strides we have made, the ones we need to make still. In one article, people shared stories of kindnesses in restaurants across America. Basically, they said a lot of family restaurants “get it” and the staff is good enough/patient enough to see to an autistic child’s particular needs. In doing so, they make the dining experience better for the child’s family as well as other diners. The parents of the autistic children cheered this professionalism and caring because they were aware their child could be a handful at times and that it could be tough on other patrons.

    Things got heated because some parents approached the topic with . . . well, they were belligerent. No other way to put it, and I always wonder why this is a necessary tactic when you’re trying to enlighten others. No one learns crap if you’re super aggressive. Anyway, there were more than a few sentiments of, “Damn right my kid can eat at the restaurant and you’ll put up with it. If you don’t like that he screams or throws food, leave.” To which some people (in some cases kindly, in others not) responded with how they’ve paid money to eat there, too, and if the child is acting up that badly, at what point is the child hampering their experience? And at what point is the parent keeping an unhappy child in the restaurant because THEY want a cheeseburger and not seeing to their obviously-distressed child’s needs?

    I’m not going to get into either mindset. That’s not what this post is about today. What I’m going to talk about is a prevalent sentiment in comments said to those who fell in the “if your kid is acting up that much, maybe you should consider taking him home” camp.

    “Do you have kids? If not, you don’t understand.”

    As a childless woman, at this point by choice but with my PCOS who knows if I actually HAVE a choice, this statement is one of the worst things anyone can or will say to me. Why? It implies that I am less evolved than someone who has made a baby. It implies that I lack understanding and compassion in comparison to my peers who have had children. It effectively says until I breed, I am Not As Good. I am Flawed.

    Stop. Stop it. If you’ve said that to someone without kids, you should cringe right now because it is one of the most offensive, patronizing things you can put out there. It suggests you really do believe you are above other people because you have fulfilled your natural function and in doing so, achieved Mommy Superpowers. And pardon my language? FUCK THAT. Women have been struggling for equality for eons. Do you know how frustrating it is for those of us who identify as feminists to have our very own gender saying shit like this to us? Because if you think about it, you are effectively saying that until a woman makes a baby, she is not achieving her greatest potential.

    . . . which sets us back by about, oh, fifty years. I am not down with that.

    The reality of the situation is childless people do understand. No, we haven’t experienced raising children ourselves, but we can grok the challenges associated with parenthood. Hell, sometimes we get it so well, we’ve decided to wait to have gut goblins of our own because we’re not sure we can handle the stress and obligation that comes with procreation. Having children is generally a rewarding experience for y’all, yes, but it’s a life changer, too. And I get it. I really do. Because I’m a smart, smart lady. And because I’m a smart lady, I’ve made responsible decisions about my own life based on my capacity to be what I deem a good and proper parent.

    So, please. A plea from Hillarybot 42-AZ1. If you find yourself in a situation where you’re going to say THE WORDS (or otherwise imply that thrusting a kid thrust from your loins has made you superhuman) think twice before speaking. I know I’m not alone in taking this to heart. I know more than a few barren women who’ve experienced this attitude and in experiencing it, have come to feel alienated from their own gender because of it. Let’s not do that to other people. It’s not cool.

    Okay? Okay.

    Hillary out.